


Rollercoaster (A Phineas and Ferb/Marvel Crack Fic)

by sagetriestowritestuff



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Candace!Steve, Crack, Doofenschmirtz!Loki, Ferb!Harley, How Do I Tag, Perry!Bruce, Phineas and Ferb References, Phineas!Peter, alternate universe - phineas and ferb, and a couple others and i decided it would be a fun idea to do a phineas and ferb AU, and so we came up with this, i'm so sad that wasn't already a tag, it's just complete crack, it's the script of the first ep just altered for our needs, please enjoy, so i was on discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:36:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagetriestowritestuff/pseuds/sagetriestowritestuff
Summary: There's 104 days of summer vacationAnd school comes along just to end itBut the annual problem of our generationIs finding a way to write crack ficORas the tags say, some discord friends and I came up with this. All plot and writing credits go to the writers of Phineas and Ferb, as I just replaced some names and made a couple adjustments.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give a huge shoutout to my friend on a discord server who helped develop this and just made the whole thing possible (I would link them but they don't have anything to link, but they made this what it is)
> 
> But basically, I took the scripts of P&F, and changed around a couple things to make it Marvel. It's absolute crack.
> 
> I would say I'm sorry, but I'm honestly not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edited script of the Phineas and Ferb episode "Rollercoaster"

(Scene opens up with the camera zooming into the backyard.)

Peter: So, Harley, what do you wanna do today?

(Harley shrugs.)

Peter: What about Bruce, what does he want to do?

(Bruce chatters)

Peter: Well, he's a platypus, they don't do much. I for one, am starting to get bored, and boredom is something of up with which I will not put! The first thing they're gonna ask us when we get back to school is "what did we do over the summer?". I mean, no school for three months. Our life should be a rollercoaster! And I mean a good rollercoaster. Not like that one we rode at the state fair...

(Flashback on a rollercoaster at the state fair. It goes over one tiny hill then ends.)

Fair Worker: Please exit to the left.

(End flashback.)

Peter: Man, that was lame. Why, if I built a roller coaster, I would... (Gets idea; angelic chorus plays) That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!

Pepper: Peter, Harley. I'm gonna pick up a few things. You boys stay out of trouble, okay?

Peter: Okay mom. (At Harley) We're gonna build a rollercoaster!

(Pepper gets into the car; Steve comes over.)

Steve: I'm in charge, right? You did tell them I'm in charge?

Pepper: Relax, Steve, nobody has to be in charge.

Steve: But what if there's an emergency?

Pepper: Like what?

Steve: What if a... What if a satellite falls out of orbit and crashes into the house? (smiles)

Pepper: If that happens, you're in charge.

Steve: Yes!

Steve: (he enters into the backyard) Mom says I'm in charge, conditionally.

(Peter and Harley are working on something.)

Peter: (not listening) Whatever.

Steve: Wait a minute, what are you doing?

Peter: Homework.

Steve: It's summer.

Peter: That's cool, you wait till the last minute then.

Steve: Well, I'm watching you. (Goes through the door) And I'm in charge, conditionally!

(Steve walks into the house and the phone rings, which he answers.)

Steve: Hello? Oh, hi, Sam! No, I can't get to the mall right now. Mom just went to the store, she left me in charge, well, you know, conditionally.

(Peter and Harley walk past with lots of wooden planks.)

Steve: And if you go, can you see if Bucky is there? No, no, he's the cute one that works at Mr. Slushy Burger.

(Peter and Harley walk past again, with steel beams.)

Steve: Yeah, he totally smiled at me the last time I was there. I just about died. No, I told you I can't, I'm watching my brother and stepbrother.

(Peter and Harley walk past with sinks and toilets.)

Steve: Yeah, and they never get into trouble, 'cause Mom never catches them. One of these days though, I'm going to see that she catches them red handed.

(Peter and Harley walk past again, with a flamingo and a lion that roars loudly.)

Steve: Will you hold it down, I am trying to use the phone! (at Sam) Mom left me in charge, so there will be no shenanigans today. What are doing right now? Why do you ask? What do you mean you can see it from your house? See what?!

(Steve runs out to the backyard, he stares in shock upon seeing the rollercoaster, along with horror music.)

Steve: Peter, what is this?!

Peter: Do you like it?

Steve: (gets angry) Ooh, I'm gonna tell Mom, and when she sees what you're doing, you are going down. (runs off) Down! Down! Down! D-O-W-N, down!

(Peter and Harley look blankly while he walks away.)

Peter: We're gonna need a blowtorch and some more peanut butter.

(Steve takes his bicycle and rides away.)

MJ: Hey Steve, is Peter... home?

Steve: Down, down, I say!

(MJ walks into the backyard.)

MJ: (hearts in eyes) Hey Peter.

Peter: Hey MJ.

MJ: Whatcha doin'?

Peter: Building a roller coaster.

MJ: In your backyard?

Peter: Some of it.

MJ: Wow. Isn't that kind of impossible?

Peter: Some might say.

MJ: Hey, Harley.

(Harley waves with the hammer.)

MJ: Does your stepbrother ever talk?

Peter: Harley? He's more of a man of action.

(Harley hits the nail and then his nose.)

MJ: I was gonna go to the pool, you wanna go swimming?

Peter: Kind of in the middle of something here.

MJ: Oh, right. Okay, I'll see you later then. (leaves)

Peter: Okay. (at Harley) Hey Harley! You got enough rivets up there?

(Harley gives a thumbs up showing they have rivets.)

Peter: Hey, where's Bruce?

(Bruce walks around the corner of the house. He jumps up, puts on a fedora and walks into a hole in the wall. He goes down a lift, into a lair, where he gets an "Incoming Message".)

Nick Fury: Good morning, Agent Hulk. The evil Dr. Loki is up to his old tricks. For reasons unknown to us, he bought up 80% of the country's tin foil. I want you to get over to his hideout right away. Find out what he's up to and put a stop to it. As always Agent Hulk, it is important that your cover identity as a mindless domestic pet remains intact. Now, get out there. We're all counting on you.

(Agent Hulk jumps into a platypus-themed hovercraft, and flies tough a tunnel. He leaves through a stone and holds his fedora down to hide from Peter and Harley.)

Peter: So, the way I see it, the fuel rockets kick in at the mall's parking lot, then we release the snakes during the corkscrew at the interstate. I'm gonna go get the snakes.

(Harley puts on his mask and starts using the blowtorch.)

(Steve runs into the store)

Steve: Mom! You gotta come home, right now.

Pepper: Did a satellite crash into the house?

Steve: No, no, no. You gotta see what Peter and Harley are doing.

Pepper: Seems like we've had this conversation before.

Steve: What do you mean?

Pepper: I seem to recall you telling me that the boys were training monkeys to juggle bicycles, and when I come home, there was a stunning lack of monkeys.

Steve: I still don't know how they cleaned that up so fast.

Pepper: So, what's the emergency this time?

Steve: They're building a roller coaster!

Pepper: Steve, seriously, isn't Peter a little young to be a roller coaster engineer?

(Peter talks to a man in a car factory.)

Factory Manager: Aren't you a little young to be a roller coaster engineer?

Peter: Yes, yes I am.

Factory Manager: Well, I must say, I'm very impressed, the forms all seems to be in order, although I'd never seen them filled out in crayon before. So, if there's anything I can get you, anything at all, just let me know.

Peter: Do you think we could borrow one of those gadgets?

(A robot arm fixing a car is shown)

(Peter and Harley are riding the roller coaster that builds by the robot arm.)

Peter: Now, this is the life.

(The camera zooms in on Loki Evil Incorporated.)

(Agent Hulk swings into the building)

Loki: Ah, Brucy the Platypus, what an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected, I mean: completely expected!

(Loki presses a button, which activates arms that grabs Agent Hulk.)

Loki: I, Dr. Loki, have covered the entire eastern seaboard in tin foil, and when I put my giant magnet, next to my genius, Magnetism Magnifier, I will pull the East, in a westerly direction, thereby reversing the rotation of the earth. You may ask yourself, why would he do this? What could he possibly have to gain? Well, let me just answer that question, I haven't really worked on all the bugs yet. I mean, tin foil alone costs a lot.

(Back at the store)

Steve: But Mom, I'd tell you, they're building it, and it's huge!

(Harley puts up a poster, Steve comes over to read it.)

Steve: "Peter and Harley present the Coolest Coaster Ever now open"? Mom! (runs off)

Pietro: Peter and Harley got a roller coaster? You think we get a discount if we bring the flier?

Another kid: Maybe we better take it.

(They take it with them just as Steve brings Pepper over.)

Steve: (Gestures toward the empty post, head turned away) There, look, look, look, see? I told you I'm not crazy, I told you!

Pepper: (dryly) And you're not crazy because...?

(Steve turns toward the post where the poster was and screams.)

Pepper: I see your point, Steve. No crazy person would scream at a post like that. I'll be at the dairy section if you wanna come yell at some cheese, or anything. (leaves)  
(At the Potts-Stark house, where the start of the coaster and a stage is. Harley lets the kids into a tent and walks onto a stage up to the microphone as if he's about to speak, then steps out of the way as Peter comes up. He grabs the microphone as disco lights shine and rock music plays.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! May I present to you a spectacle most of the morning in the making: The Coolest...Coaster...Ever!!!

(Harley reveals the coaster. A bird files into it.)

Peter: So, who wants to go first?

(Everyone raises their hands.)

(On the rollercoaster...)

Peter: To fasten, insert the tab into the metal buckle. To release, just pull back on the -- oops.

(Peter drops the safety belt.)

Peter: Well, you get the picture. Well, that's about it, enjoy the ride.

(The car goes over the top, and stops, viewing the long drop.)

Peter: You all signed the waivers, right?

(Down it goes; the car goes around the coaster, on the track. Everyone screams.)

(Going through the drop of snakes)

Peter: Relax, they're just rubber!

(The car goes into a bucket of mud, then exits. Later, it goes through a car wash, to be cleaned from the mud.)

Peter: Hey, look, there comes the AH-AH-AH-AH!

(The track is going up and down repeatedly, creating four "AH"s.)

(The car zooms around the Loki Evil Incorporated building.)

Loki: ...I really make of my money back, I-I-I want a really spacey real estate, and sell it again.

(Agent Hulk sends a screw at Loki, which he ducks for.)

Loki: Ha, you missed!

(The screw flies to the roof and hitting a line, which throws it back at Loki's foot.)

Loki: Aaaoow!! Ow, Ow, Ow, Aaooww!

(Loki jumps around and accidentally releases Agent Hulk, who quickly attacks him.) (Agent Hulk hits Looki's foot.) Aaaoow!! (During the fight, Loki activates the Magnetism Magnifier.)

Loki: Now you are too late. Quake in your boots and watch helplessly, as the unimaginable electromagnetic forces, pull the eastern seaboard, thereby reversing the rotation of the Ea--

(All the tin foil releases from the buildings)

Loki: Well...that didn't work.

(The tin foil forms into a giant ball, flying through the air)

Loki: And now, we have a two-ton ball of tin foil traveling 200 miles per hour directly at us! Quickly, we must separate the magnet from the Magnifier before it's too late!

(At the store)

Pepper: Now I know I have that club card in here somewhere. I always have it with me, but my purse is a disaster area, you know how it is.

(Steve goes outside and sees the coaster)

Steve: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Mom? Mom!? (He rushes off.)

(Loki Evil Incorporated building)

Loki: It's no use, it's no use, we are doomed!

(Agent Hulk sees a helicopter. He jumps onto the magnet and fires a grappling hook at it. He quickly wraps some of the rope around the magnet. The helicopter flies off, taking the magnet with it.) 

Loki: You did it! You saved us, Brucy the Platypus! (The ball of tin foil crashes through the building.)Curse you, Brucy the Platypus!

(The magnet pulls a piece of the Magnetism Magnifier onto it, and gets stuck on the coaster, which then follows the helicopter into the sky.)

(Steve pulls Pepper into the parking lot, not noticing the coaster has been removed.)

Steve: Look, look, look, see?

Pepper: (pause) Okay, I give up, what am I supposed to be looking at?

Steve: (turns to see the empty parking lot) No!! It's not POSSIBLE!!!

Pepper: (going back inside) I'm gonna go get the cart.

Steve: IT WAS RIGHT HERE AND IT WAS HUGE!!! (sees the rollercoaster fly away) Mom!

Pepper: (walks past, taking her cart) Time to go. I've got frozens.

Steve: Okay, so you think that Peter and Harley are still under that stupid tree in the backyard, right?

Pepper: Well, yes, that would be my guess.

Steve: Fine, then let's go home. Now! (He pushes the cart.) 

(Agent Hulk sees that the helicopter is smoking and cuts the rope. He drops down onto the coaster and in the cart, right behind Peter and Harley.)

Peter: Oh, there you are, Bruce.

(Bruce chatters)

Peter: Nice hat, MJ.

(MJ takes off Agent Hulk's fedora and looks at it, confused.)

(The car goes to the end of the track and flies onto a construction area and flings into the air.)

Peter: Funny, I don't remember this in the blueprints.

(An airplane picks up the car by the tail)

Peter: And I'm sure this is new.

(Steve sees the airplane from Pepper's car.)

Steve: Hehehehehehehehehehe!

Pepper: I worry about you sometimes, Steve.

(The coaster car drops down and onto the Statue of Liberty, bending and throwing it to the woods. It lands on a pine tree which bends so they end up in front of Mr Slushy Burger.)

Bucky: Welcome to Mr. Slushy Burger, may I take your order?

Peter: Anyone want fries?

(Before taking any orders, the tree bends back and throws them to France, Paris)

French Man: Croissant?

Peter: Anyone want a... (French accent) "quackson"?

(The car gets flung into orbit)

Singing Voice: ♪ Aahh-Aahh-Aaahhh ♪

(A satellite flies by)

Peter: You know, if that thing crashes into earth, Steve is in charge.

(The car suddenly falls down towards earth, towards the Tri-State area. The front of the car begins to burn like a meteor.)

Peter: We should have charged more.

(Pepper pulls the car on the driveway and Steve jumps out)

Pepper: Okay, we're here, are you happy now, Steve?

(Horror music plays; Steve opens the gate to the backyard and doesn't see Peter or Harley.)

Steve: Yes. (At Pepper) See Mom, I told you they weren't there!

(Steve opens the gate and gestures toward the tree with his eyes closed, as we hear a sound of leaves rustling. Pepper pokes her head through the gate opening and smiles.)

Pepper: Oh, hi boys.

(Steve opens his eyes and her mood changes to shock; cut to under the tree to show Peter and Harley are here.)

Peter: Hi Mom.

Pepper: Come on Steve, help me with the groceries. (goes off)

Steve: But, but, but, but, but, but, but... (Continues under)

Pepper: (comes back) Let's go. (pulls her away)

(Kids drop down from the tree.)

Kid: Hey Peter, that was great.

Pietro: Way too cool.

Third kid: That was awesome! Can we do it again?

Peter: Sorry, only one ride per customer.

(MJ comes down from the tree.)

MJ: That was great, Peter. So, what are you gonna do tomorrow?

Peter: Don't know yet.

MJ: (pets Bruce) Maybe you could teach Bruce some tricks.

Peter: Well, he is a platypus, they don't do much.

Harley: They're the only mammals to lay eggs.

(Pause)

Peter: ...Maybe he'll lay an egg.

MJ: Cool, see you tomorrow. (goes to the gate) It really was the coolest coaster ever. You guys make a great team.

Peter: Well, a brother is a brother, but I couldn't have asked for a better one than Harley. You know what I mean?

(Harley burps rudely)

Peter: Oh-ho-ho, man! I could smell the peanut butter!

MJ: Well, that was impressive. See you, guys. (leaves)

Peter: So, what should we do tomorrow? There's a world of possibilities. (pause) Maybe we should make a list!

(The coaster car explodes in the tree, a car alarm and a dog barking can be heard.)

Steve: (from inside) Mom!!

Pepper: (from inside) Give it a rest, Steve!

(The tin foil ball rolls in the background.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna harass me on tumblr its gayforspiderfrost


	2. Sunny With a Chance of Lawn Gnomes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Harley make a beach in their backyard while Loki yeets some gnomes.
> 
> Edited script of "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" (episode 2)

(Scene opens up showing a bird flying, then burns.)

Stanky Dog: This is Stanky Dog comin' to you on the hottest of the summer! Unless you live at the beach, I say take it easy and do nothin' today. Yup, just find yourself a shady tree, and maybe an aquatic mammal of some sort, and blow the whole day off.

Peter: Come on, Harley. If we let a little heat stop us from having the best day ever, then the morning DJs win.

Pepper: Ooh, boy, it's hot today! So what are you up to?

Peter: We're making our own beach, right here in the backyard.

Pepper: (Oblivious) Oh, how cute. Well, I'm off to my spa day. You boys behave yourselves and don't bother your father. He's finally cleaning out the basement. (Leaves)

Steve: Bye, Mom! Yes! You heard her. We can't bug dad which makes me in charge... by default. (pauses) Carry on.

Peter: We're gonna need more sand. Hey, where's Bruce?

Nick Fury: Good morning, Agent Hulk. Lawn gnomes across the Tri-State Area are disappearing, leaving thousands of gardens unprotected from the evils of black magic. We suspect Loki. Get right on it.

Contractor: Aren't you a little young to be a landscape contractor?

Peter: Yes, yes I am.

MJ: (Offscreen, dreamy look and voice) Hi, Peter. (Walks up to him)

Peter: Oh, hey MJ.

MJ: Whatcha doin'?

Peter: Building a beach. Check it out.

(Harley is shown posing on a giant sprinkler.)

MJ: Can me and the Fireside girls be lifeguards? We need to earn our Aquatic-Safety badges.

Peter: Sure.

Steve: I mean, I've been a friend of T’Challa’s longer than Clint, so I should've been invited to that party first. I don't care if they're lab partners! We're locker neighbors. And locker neighbors trumps lab partners any day. (Gasps) Sorry Sam. Gotta go.

Peter: Welcome to our beach.

Steve: Hah! You call that a beach? This is WAY below your usual standard. This isn't even worth a call to mom. You know, if you guys ever want to be popular, you're gonna have to stop playing in sandboxes. (Gets hit by a beach ball) Hey!

Peter: So Steve, what do you think?

Steve: That's it! I'm calling Mom. (dials the phone)

Sam: Hey, Steve.

Steve: Natasha? Sam?

Natasha: You never told us you have a beach in your backyard!

Sam: You're going to be the most popular girl in the neighborhood.

Steve: I will?

Sam: I just saw Bucky and his buddies with their surf boards.

Steve: Bucky's here? (Panting, drops phone) Gotta go! (Zips off)

♪ Bruce! ♪

Loki: (chuckles) Yes, yes! Just look at the bounty of gnome riches! Oh, this is a strange one. (The lawn gnome punches Loki in the face) Wait, who are you? (Bruce takes off his fake beard and gnome hat) ... A platypus? ... (Bruce puts on his fedora) Brucy the Platypus?! You are mine, now! (Presses button, garage door opens) Oh no, wait, wait, wait. That was the garage door opener. You are mine now! (Presses button, large monitor activates) And that was the TV remote. I've got to start labeling these things. Aha! YOU are mine NOW! (Presses button, cage falls on top of Bruce, laughs maniacally) Finally, I will rid myself of you! (brings out another control) But first, turn your attention to the giant screen and... (the garage door closes) Hmm, maybe I need to turn the cable on first? (Cuts to the backyard beach.)

Peter: Let's get this beach party started!

(Song: "If Summer Only Lasted One Day")

♪ Well we'll wake up early and wax our surfboards down! ♪

♪ (Hit the beach, yeah we'll hit the beach) ♪

♪ Throw our board shorts on and head for surfin' town ♪

♪ (we'll hit the beach, yeah we'll hit the beach) ♪

Peter: Hey, look! I can see our house from up here!

Steve: (Coconut falls and hits Steve in the head) Oh! (Falls on crab, Groaning)

Crowd: How low can you go? How low can you go?

(The crab with Steve on it walks under the limbo, attracting the spectators)

Dancer: Look! So that's how low you can go. We've been asking that question for generations! (The crowd puts a robe with a Tiki hat on Steve)

Steve: What? What's everybody looking at?

Dancer: For winning the limbo contest, you are now officially crowned Queen Wahini of the beach! All hail Queen Wahini!

(The spectators cheer as a congratulations)

Steve: (overjoyed) I can't believe it!

(Song: "Backyard Beach")

Harley: ♪ Listen up people and I'll teach ya ♪

♪ 'Bout Peter and Harley and the backyard beach-a, ♪

♪ Every morning, Peter, he gonna say (Say!) ♪

♪ "Brother, whatcha gonna do today?" ♪

♪ Now you see we're having fun, playing under the sun, ♪

♪ And get in line, get in line, 'cause the wet ski's running ♪

♪ A backyard beach, a backyard beach ♪

♪ Nothing's outta reach, we got the backyard beach ♪

♪ You can change in the broken hut, ♪

♪ Drink out of a coconut, Three games for a token, but the rest is free ♪

♪ You got skiing, parasailing, ♪

♪ Surfing and a-flailing, ♪

♪ Your contacts need saline, ♪

♪ Or else, you can't see ♪

♪ Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach ♪

♪ Nothing's out of reach, we got the backyard beach ♪

♪ Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach, ♪

♪ Don't fall into the breach, got the backyard beach! ♪

Steve: I've never been happier in my entire life!

(Cuts to Pepper at the spa, she takes cucumber slices off her eyes.)

Pepper: Something is very wrong. Not a single call from Steve. (Checks her phone) Not even a text message. DUMB-E, hose me down. I'm going home.

(Cut to Loki)

Loki: Okay, I think I finally got the right one. Now, Bruce the Platypus, (Shines flashlight on him) you will finally understand...my PAIN! (presses remote)

(Flashback)

Loki: (narrating) Back in Asgard in the days of my youth, we were a proud family. But those were lean times for my father and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from those witches, spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.

Odin: Bewege dich nicht! ("Don't move!")

Loki: (narrating) While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat Doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.

Odin: Bewege dich nicht!

Loki: All through the cold night as the Spitzenhounds howled, my only companion was the moon. And my neighbor Kenny.

Odin: (narrating) Bewege dich nicht!

Loki: And since my lawn gnome was taken away from me, I will destroy every lawn gnome in the entire Tri-State Area! Behold, the Destruct-inator! And now, Brucy the Platypus, to activate my creation! (pushes a button and opens Bruce's trap) NOOOO!

(Cut to the beach)

Stanky Dog: Surf contest!

Flash: Out of my way, Dinner-bell.

Peter: Hello, Flash. Perhaps you missed the sign.

Flash: (reads the sign) "No Bullying, No Yodeling"?

Man: (Austrian accent) I don't like this any more than you do.

Stanky Dog: First up in the surf contest is Bobby Nelson. Oh! And Nelson eats it on five-footer! And there's Clint Barton shooting the curl, and here comes Flash Thompson! Ohh! He pummels Barton with a Philadelphia traffic stomp! And now he's got him in a Half-Nelson, now a Full-Nelson, oh! And now he's actually beating him with Bobby Nelson! Here's the scores from our judges. And Flash doesn't like it one bit. (Flash smashes the table with Bobby) Next up is Peter Parker, and it's great to see a young surfer show such confidence. Uh-oh, what's this? (Flash splashes through the holographic Peter) Oh, those kids today and their holographic projections. He's in the pipeline, now he's hangin' ten! He's hanging twenty! He's hangin' thirty-two! Now he's just hangin'! The crowd loves it! I don't think there's a name for that! The crowd is doing the wave, and Peter is surfing it! Let's go to the judges.10 to the 5th power, infinity, and oh! It seems Peter Parker’s radical surfing has made judge #3 re-think Einstein's theory of relativity! Cowabunga, laws of nature!

(Cut to Steve and Bucky and the people dancing.)

Steve: So, are you having fun?

(The music changes with spotlights)

'(Song: "The Moment Has Arrived (Our Song)")

♪ Boy, the moment has arrived ♪

♪ I can see, although there is no light, ♪

♪ The music, beats throughout the night ♪

♪ And our love's in sight... ♪ (In the middle of the song)

Steve: Eee... (Cell phone rings) just one second. (dreamily, on phone) Hellooooo?

(Cut to Pepper in the car, she gets shocked by this.)

Pepper: Uh, Steve? Is everything okay?

(Cut back to Steve.)

Steve: Ohh, everything is just wonderful...

(Cut back to Pepper, she gets shocked again.)

Pepper: And...Peter and Harley? What are they doing?

(Cut back to Steve as Peter surfs in the background.)

Steve: Ohh, such wonderful things...

(Cut back to Pepper, he gets shocked once more.)

Pepper: Steve, honey, I'm coming home.

(Needle scratch, cut back to Steve.)

Steve: Wait, WHAT?

Pepper: (On phone) I'm right around the corner; I'll be there in two minutes.

Steve: Wait! No mom, you can't! (Pepper turns off the phone.) Oh, wait, wait! Uhh... (at Bucky) Stay right there! (runs off) I've got to stop her! (Looks out the backyard gate) Oh, no, no, no, no... (Pepper arrives) Mom, Mom, pleeaaasee, Mom! Go away! Don't come in!

(Underground, the fight resumes. Bruce kicks Loki into a lever, switching it to "Blow" forming a mountain in the middle of the ocean.)

MJ: Is that a volcano?

(Volcano blows up)

Stanky Dog: GNOOOOOMES!!! (Gnome hits him) Oof!

Man: Run for your lives!! It's gnome-ageddon!!!

[People run away screaming as gnome continue raining down]

Man #2: Who's protecting our gardens?!!

(Cut to Pepper)

Pepper: Steve, tell me the truth. What is going on here?

Steve: (Sighs, talking fast) Peter and Harley built a beach in the backyard, just like they said they were going to. But instead of just a cute little beach in a sandbox; it turned out to be this absolutely huge beach, with a coastline, and palm trees, and a pier, and hula dancers, and water skiers, and tiki huts, and dolphins, and dancing, and surfing, and everybody from the neighborhood showed up-

Loki: Oof!

Steve: ...and then I was just about to share a smoothie with Bucky when a coconut dropped on my head, and ...and just for a moment, it seemed that the wily Flash would steal away the coveted surfing trophy from under the noses of our heroes...then I can only continue my benign reign and spread love, happiness and ultimate popularity throughout my kingdom! If you would just let me have my moment!

Peter: Oh, there you are Bruce.

(Bruce chatters)

Peter: Well everybody, looks like that's all for today!

Crowd: Peter and Harley! (X3)

(The gate lifts and and closes)

Steve: If you don't believe me, go see for yourself.

(Pepper enters the backyard)

Peter: That was great.

Pepper: Hey, boys.

Peter: Hey, mom.

Pepper: So how was your day at the beach?

Steve: Wait, wait, my kingdom...my Bucky...it was all so beautiful...! (panics, at Peter and Harley) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PARADISE?! (pants)

Pepper: Steve, honey, I think it's time to get you out of the sun for a little while. (she and MJ lead Steve away.)

Peter: I think he had fun.

(Song: "If Summer Only Lasted One Day")

♪ If Summer only lasted one day! ♪

♪ (Summer only lasted one day!) ♪

Stanky Dog: Stanky Dog here with a special shout-out to my two new pals, Peter and Harley, for hosting a beach party that was hot, hot, hot. And speaking of hot, slather on the sunscreen listeners, cause tomorrow's weather calls for another scorcher.

Harley: With a slight chance of scattered lawn gnomes.

(Peter laughs.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this'll be updating every other day, but if you want to catch me in the meantime, my tumblr is gayforspiderfrost


	3. The One Hit Wonder One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Flop Starz" but make it marvel. y'all know the drill
> 
> i highly recommend listening to "gitchee gitchee goo" and "i'm lindana and i wanna have fun" while reading this. bops to the max.

(Episode opens up in a TV in the dining room of the Potts-Stark house. On the TV, there is a commercial which is on the stage. A kid is featured.)

Kid: (off-key) ♪ I met my love in a -- ♪

(gets hit by a huge boxing glove) OW!

Phil Coulson: Oh, boy! Did that kid stink or what?  
But maybe YOU'VE got what it takes to be:

The Next...  
Super American...  
Pop Teen...

Idol Star!

Auditions open today at the Googolplex Mall in beautiful downtown Danville.

(Zooms out to the dining room while he speaks)

Steve: Auditions! Today?!

Coulson: Yes, today! At two o'clock sharp.

Steve: (Grabs the TV and kisses it)  
I gotta tell Sam!  
(Runs, bringing the TV with him and falls)

Peter: That pop star stuff might be fun at first, but then you'd be stuck with a dead end job.  
Too bad you can't just do it once and move on.

Pepper: Well, what you're talking about is a one-hit wonder.

Peter: One-hit wonder? What's that?

Pepper: Well, a musical act goes to the top of the charts with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics.

(Song: "I'm Pepperoni and I Wanna Have Fun!")

Singers: ♪ She's Pepperoni! ♪

Pepperoni: ♪ I'm Pepperoni and I wanna have fun! ♪l

Singers: ♪ She wants to have fun ♪

Pepperoni:♪ I'm Pepperoni and I wanna have fun! ♪

Singers: ♪ She's Pepperoni ♪

Pepperoni: ♪ I'm Pepperoni and I wanna have fun! ♪

Singers: ♪ She wants to have fun ♪

Pepperoni: ♪ I wanna, wanna, wanna have ♪

Singers and Pepperoni: Fun fun fun!

(In the middle of the song)

Pepper: (voiceover) Then they throw a big diva tantrum, lose their label, then fade to obscurity.  
Before they know it, their song ends up as elevator music.  
Years later, they have a reunion concert...  
and after that, they never sing again.  
And no one... remembers them.  
(tears up, but quickly wipes away tears)  
Not that I would know anything about that.

Peter: (writing) A one-hit wonder...  
( Shows checklist, listing in order:  
Hit record,  
Diva tantrum,  
Elevator music,  
Reunion tour)  
Harley, I know what we're gonna do today.  
(Harley strums a guitar.)

(In Steve's room)

Steve: But Sam, what am I going to sing?

Sam: Hello, what are you gonna wear?

Steve: Hmmm...

(In a montage, it cuts to him wearing a blue gown.)

What do you think?

Sam: Too much.

(Steve wears a bikini; now offscreen.) Too little.

(Steve wears a pinafore.) Ugh, too clean.

(Steve wears torn cords and a hippie t-shirt.) Too dirty.

(Steve wears a street clothing.) Too street.

(Steve wears a goth suit.) Too goth.

Where'd you get that?

(Steve wears a Pepperoni costume.)

Steve: (wearing a Pepperoni costume) My mom's closet. You like it?

Sam: Nah, too retro.

(Steve tries more other outfits:

a construction uniform,  
cowgirl duds,  
biking clothes,  
a sailor suit,  
a gorilla costume,  
a spacesuit,  
a clown costume,  
and finally ends up with his trademark clothing.)

Sam: Perfect!

Steve: Nice, huh?

Sam: Yeah, you should've tried that on first.

Steve: Let's go!

(They pass by Peter and Harley in their bedroom; Peter is on the floor writing.)

Peter: "Chika, chika, choo...wah". Meaningless lyrics done.  
(To Harley) How's the catchy tune coming along?  
(Harley presses a key on the computer keyboard, producing a piano sound in the key of D.)  
Excellent! We'll be done by lunch!  
(Realized) Hey, where'd Bruce go?

(In the bathroom, Bruce flushes himself in the toilet and then swims over his headquarters.)

(In Agent Hulk's liar...)  
Nick Fury: Hello? Hello-oo? Anybody there?  
(Bruce crashes down, full of water)  
Oh, good morning Agent Hulk. We just received word that Dr. Loki has been buying up construction toys at an alarming rate.  
We need you to find out what he's up to and put a stop to it.  
(Bruce salutes and leaves with his scooter, and stops at the red light.  
(Pepper's car stops beside him, and she glances; then when she realizes it, Bruce puts a pair of Groucho glasses on and Pepper just shrugs.  
The green light then appears and he zooms away.)

♪ (Brucy)! ♪

(At the mall)  
Pepper: We'll meet back in the entrance in an hour.

(Inside...)

Steve: Come on, Sam! We gotta hurry so we could get a spot in li -- yayaya.  
(realized the line's hella long) I've never sung in front of so many people!

Sam: Uh, Steve? (shows her a LOT more people in the audience)

Steve: (gasps) I can't do this.

Sam: Oh yes, you can! You're not a quitter; you're a fighter!

Steve: I am?

Sam: Sure you are! You're a lean, mean, singing machine!  
(Steve growls and punches the purse as in boxing.)  
That's it, yeah! Now you're looking like a winner!  
(Steve looks like a worn out tiger and drools. Bucky walks by.)

Bucky: Hey, Steve.

Steve: (arranges himself) And that is what a gorilla looks like when you try to take away its food.  
Oh! Hi, Bucky! Are you auditioning too?

Bucky: Nah. I came to see this hot new band called PHT. I downloaded their song this morning.  
It's tight! The hundredth contestant gets to sing onstage with the band!

Steve: Really? (She walks through the entrance and becomes the 100th contestant.)

Bucky: Hey, looks like that's you.

Coulson: Congratulations! You're the hundredth contestant! (Pulls her away)

(Steve is onstage.)

Coulson: (over speaker) Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady has the honor of singing onstage with PHT.

So now, the band you've been waiting for:

Peter and the  
Harley-Tones!

(Peter and Harley are revealed.)

(Song: "Gitchee Gitchee Goo")

Steve: Peter?!

Peter: Steve? You're the hundredth contestant? How serendipitous. This'll be like a three-brothers thing! Now I'm assuming you've heard our hit single. I mean, who hasn't, right? It's a big hit.  
(gives her sheet music) So here's the words; don't worry if you get lost. The lyrics are meaningless anyway. I'll point when it's your turn.  
(He steps forward as Steve stares.)

Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, the Harlettes!  
I'm Peter and this is Harley, and we're gonna sing a song!

♪ Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow! ♪

Harleyettes: ♪ That's what my baby says! ♪

Peter: ♪ Mow-mow-mow! ♪

Harleyettes: ♪ And my heart starts pumping! ♪

Peter: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah! ♪

Peter/Harleyettes: ♪ Never gonna stop! ♪

All:♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! ♪

Peter: ♪ I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow! ♪

Harleyettes ♪That's what my baby says! ♪

Peter: ♪ Mow-mow-mow! ♪

Harleyettes: ♪ And my heart starts pumping! ♪

Peter: ♪ Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah! ♪

Harleyettes: ♪ Never gonna stop! ♪

All: ♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! ♪

Peter: ♪ I said a Bow, Chika, Bow-Wow! ♪ (The music abruptly stops.) Steve!  
(Steve looks at her music before throwing it aside.)

Steve: Wait a minute! What are you doing?

Peter: I'm cuing you?

Steve: How'd you get a hit single?!

Peter: Well, it wasn't easy.  
It took most of the morning and half a dozen phone calls.  
But if you're willing to put in the work-

Steve: That's it! I'm gonna tell Mom!

Peter: Okay...tell her what?

Steve: (pauses) Ooh, I'm just gonna tell. (She walks offstage)

Peter/Harleyettes: ♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! ♪

(Pepper is in a store.)

Steve: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom, you've gotta see this!

Pepper: (with disdain) Let me guess.  
Is it unbelieva- (Steve pushes her) WOOAH!

Steve: Come on, come on, come on!

(Backstage...)

Ben Baxter: Hi, I'm Ben Baxter, Huge-O-Records.  
Why don't you come by my office in an hour and we can talk about your future.

Peter: Future? Cool. He must be a psychic.

(Back to Steve and Pepper.)

Steve: Come on, come on, come on!

(They arrive at the stage; she presents a shadow that appears to be Peter and Harley's heads.)  
See?! There they are onstage!!

Phil: (voiceocver) Ladies and gentlemen, once again...

(Spotlight lights up.) Marty the Rabbit Boy and His Musical Blender!  
(Marty the Rabbit Boy performs)

Pepper: Hon, we're getting you an eye exam. (pulls her away)

Steve: No, no! Wait!

(Agent Hulk is still driving)

♪ Bruce! ♪

♪ Loki Evil Inc.! ♪

Loki: Ha ha, everything is ready!  
(doorbell rings) Oh, what is it now? (opens the door and saw the disguised Bruce)  
Oh, are you my new temp? Well, let me just get you up to speed. I know it's bit of a mess.  
I'm just putting the finishing touches of my latest maniacal plan. You see, in a few minutes, I will unleash an unprecedented reign of terror upon the entire... (holds a magnifying glass on the eastern coast of the U.S.) ...Tri-State Area!  
And Brucy the Platypus will never be the wiser.

(Bruce removes the Groucho glasses)

Brucy the Platypus? You're a temp? Are times that hard?

(Steve exits the mall wearing glasses.)

Steve: Ugh! I told Mom I don't need glasses! (takes off glasses)  
What the--

(A PHT bus drives away)

Steve: Uh, No! No! Wait! Uggggg...

(Steve stops. She turns around, notices a PHT poster on a building and smiles.)

Steve: MMMMMOOOOM?!?

(Camera pans from the building to...)  
♪ Loki Evil Incor-- ♪

Loki: Sorry, Brucy the Platypus, but you are too late!  
(pushes a lever that makes the building alive as a robot)

(Pepper is still in a store.)

Pepper: (wearing a jacket) Ooh, this one's nice.

Steve: Mom! Come here! You've gotta see this!

(drags her out, setting off the shoplifting alarm)

Pepper: Steve! I haven't paid for this yet!

Guard: Hey!

(The giant building robot wreaks havoc over Danville)

Loki: Ha ha ha! When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me!

(Bruce removes a metal cover of a storage)

Wait, wait, wait, you're not supposed to touch that!

(Bruce removes a wire)

Hey, hey, no fair!

(The robot almost steps over the building, but turns around)

(The PHT bus passes by)

MJ: Wow, what a great painting! How did you get permission for that?

Peter: Oh, they didn't mind. The building's scheduled for demolition.

(A man presses the lever of a dynamite block. The building gets demolished just as Steve drags her mom out.)

Steve: Seeeeeee??!!

(Pepper does not answer. Steve turns and sees no building.)

Steve: AAAAHHHH!!

Guard: Uh, ma'am, you're gonna have to come back and pay for that.

Pepper: (flatly) Yes of course, officer.

Steve: AAAAHHHH!!

Guard: Hey, weren't you Pepperoni?

Pepper: Yes, I was! I can't believe you recognized me.

Guard: Well, I was a huge fan.  
(pauses, serious)  
You still have to pay for the jacket.

Pepper: (flatly) I know.

Loki: Very clever, Brucy the Platypus. I tried to ignore you, but you forced my hand.  
(Pushes a button and traps Bruce)  
And now...I shall relax with a nice, tasty deli platter. Oh-ho-ho, where are my manners?  
(Gives Bruce his share) Here you go, Brucy the Platypus. Care for some pepper? Just say when.  
(Continues to pour pepper) Anytime.

(At Huge-O-Records...)  
Ben: (from inside) Boys, let me start by saying we love your act and we want to be...  
(cuts to the boardroom) ...in the Peter and the Harley-Tones business.  
And by the way, aren't you a little young to be pop stars?

(Pause)

Peter: ...No.

(Another pause)

Ben: Well, okay then! We prepared to offer you a very lucrative contract if you'll just sign exclusively with us for your follow-up single.

Peter: (suddenly angry) Follow-up single?  
(rips up the contract under the following)  
Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing new songs just because you pay us obscene amounts of cash?! Peter and the Harley-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder!  
(The band enters the elevator) Good day to you, sir!

(In the elevator, "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" plays as elevator music.)

Peter: Diva tantrum, check.

(Pauses, listens to the "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" elevator music)

Elevator music, check.

(Harley checks off "Elevator music)

(Cut to the boardroom)

Ben: Ah, who needs 'em?  
We still got this videotape of their performance.  
We could do live CDs, DVDs, podcasts, heck, we can digitally re-create their images to make our own sitcom! The Peter and Harley Show!  
We could squeeze twenty years of entertainment out of this one videotape.

Manager: (screams) That giant robot's coming right at us!

Loki: (still pouring pepper) Wow, you sure like a lot of pepper. I'm more of a paprika man myself.  
(Bruce blows over the pepper, Dr. D coughs) It will take more than condiments to foil my brilliant plan!

(The robot sneezes them out, and they crash through the Huge-O-Records building)

Ben: The tape!

Loki: AAAAHHH!

(Bruce loosens the tape's film and successfully lands)

Loki: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
(Lands on a soft mattress)  
Ooh! What an unbelievable stroke of luck!  
(The mattress folds in half) Oof!  
I'm okay! I'm still better than the...  
(gets stepped over by the robot)  
Curse you, Brucy the Platypus!

(Below...)

Peter: Oh, there you are, Bruce.

(Bruce chatters; a bus pulls up and they get on)

Come on, guys. We still have one thing left to do.

(In Googolplex Mall)

Coulson: And the winner of the day's "Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star" is...

(Screen zooms out to reveal:)

Marty the Rabbit Boy and his Musical Blender!  
Oh, give him a hand! He's going to Hollywood!

(Pan to Steve moping on a bench; Bucky walks over.)

Bucky: Hey, Steve. What's wrong?

Steve: I'm better than that guy.  
Oh, I should've taken blender lessons.

Bucky: So why did you run off earlier?

Steve: My brothers.  
(sighs) They always ruin everything.

Bucky: Well, you like to sing, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Bucky: Then you shouldn't let your brothers' fun ruin your good time.  
You know, if you get a chance to sing, you oughta sing.  
I gotta go, I'll see you later. (Walks away)

(Song: "Gitchee Gitchee Goo")

(Music beats)

Peter: (offscreen) Hey Steve.

(Shows the stage for the PHT Reunion Concert)

You're still the hundredth contestant, wanna come up and help us out?

(Steve walks onstage.)

Peter: ♪ Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow! ♪

Steve: ♪ That's what my baby says! ♪

Peter: ♪ Mow-mow-mow! ♪

Steve: ♪ And my heart starts pumping! ♪>

Peter: ♪ Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah! ♪

Steve: ♪ Never gonna stop! ♪

All: ♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! ♪

Peter: ♪ I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow! ♪

Steve: ♪ That's what my baby says! ♪

Peter: ♪ Mow-mow-mow! ♪

Steve: ♪ And my heart starts pumping! ♪

Peter: ♪ Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah! ♪

Steve: ♪ Never gonna stop! ♪

Peter/Steve: ♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! (X2) ♪  
♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means: That I love you baby, baby, baby! ♪

Harley: ♪ Baby-baby-baby-baby, ♪

Steve/Peter: ♪ Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! ♪  
(Crowd cheers)

Steve: That was great! I've been thinking of my brothers all wrong!  
They're not a nuisance. They're my ticket to-

Peter: Thanks, you've been great!  
This is the last time we're ever gonna sing that song. We're retiring, good night!  
(The band walks offstage; the lights switch off, leaving Steve in the dark.)

Mall Operator: (via loudspeaker) The mall is now closed and will re-open at 9:00 A.M. tomorrow.  
Thank you for shopping with us.

(Steve's eyes blinks then cut to black, as the guitar stinger plays)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to find me, my tumblr is gayforspiderfrost

**Author's Note:**

> i made this over a year ago, but am editing it so that at no point people will think that it will update. It was a fun joke and if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
